The Importance of Being a Beer Girl

When Megan and I started partying in high school, we would often tell our parents that we were spending the night at each others' house, when in reality we'd be going out. Whenever Megan's or one of our other friends' parents were out of town, we'd throw a party. And we did NOT drink beer. It was gross, and besides there were pretty pink drinks that tasted like candy. Then we began to notice something. There we were, with the alcohol we pooled our money for, sitting down and drinking. Meanwhile there were a certain few girls who were drinking the beer that the boys brought. And playing beer pong with the boys. And most importantly- getting all the attention of the boys. These girls would turn down whatever mixed drinks we had in our hands, claiming to like beer, and the boys would all nod their heads in agreement and unquestionable approval. Needless to say, Megs and I soon decided that drinking beer was a vital aspect of partying. At first, I could barely take a drink of beer without making a terrible face, shaking my head no and putting it down. Then I got to where I could drink them without even flinching. Eventually I grew to enjoy the taste of beer. Now, Megan and I are certified beer girls, and we wouldn't have it any other way:)

The quicker you learn this, the better. For example, at a party, almost anyone is willing to hand you a beer- many times there's nothing else to choose from. However if you only drink liquor you'll have to buy your own. And that cute boy playing pong? You can easily impress him with your beer pong skills, and your ability to down a beer without scrunching your nose up in disgust. Drinking beer definitely gives you a certain edge when you're at the bar. Going up and ordering a beer gives you a little respect, admiration almost, rather than a girl asking for some fruity shit. You seem a little more down to earth and a little less bitchy, is really the best way to put it. Don't believe me? Go ask any one of your guy friends. Not that these 'girly' drinks don't taste good, but keep in mind that they run at least $7 a piece. When at the bar, a boy would much rather buy you a $2.50 beer. Beer is CHEAP. As college students, we embrace being able to find a whole case of coors at a gas station for around 15 bucks. If you're not a beer girl now, I highly recommend trying it.

It's true, beer is an acquired taste and may take some getting used to. But you can do it.

“Pretty women make us BUY beer. Ugly women make us DRINK beer.” -Al Bundy

survey about us:)

We decided to do a survey so that maybe you all could get to know us better. We realized that a lot of details were missing, and that might confuse you when we launch into one of our hazy memories. For example, did you know that we don't actually live together? These questions and more, answered in this nifty little color-coded survey:) Enjoy!

How did you get one of your scars? Melissa:Busting my ass on a skimboard. Megan: I fell on a stump and have a scar under my brow line.

How did you celebrate your last birthday? Melissa:Out to eat with friends one night, then went out to the bar:) Megan: Had lunch with mom and brothers, went to work, then went to the bar and proceeded to get ridiculously drunk and black out.

How are you feeling at this moment? Melissa:Sleepy; have a headache:( Megan: Like the chick on 16 and Pregnant looks exactly like a high school girl one of my friends took home from the bar one night.

How did your night go last night? Melissa: Awful. I had to experience again the bitchiness of girls. I am one, but at the same time I hate them! Megan: It was dull. So i showered and slept naked. My new favorite.

How did you do in high school? Melissa: I laughed and talked through class with megan, and got suspended right before prom. You tell me. Megan: I didn’t. Underachiever? Yes.

How did you get the shirt you're wearing? Melissa: My mom bought it for me:) Megan: I took it from my brother.

How often do you see your best friend? Melissa: Not enough; the bitch lives an hour away! Megan: At least twice a week, yet we live over an hour away from each other.

How much money did you spend last month? Melissa: All of mine. Plus some. Megan: Way too much.

How old do you want to be when you get married? Melissa: According to the psychic we went to, this summer. Bahahahhaha Megan: A psychic once told me I’d be 24 or 25. I’d like to go with that.

How old will you be at your next birthday? Melissa: Twentayyyyy Megan: Twenty:)

What's your mother's name? Melissa: My mom would shoot me if I put her name up. Hah. Megan: Jennifer.

What did you do last weekend? Melissa: Ahhh we had a drunk Friday. Nice. Megan: Partied with my bestie, and ended up making a mistake or four.

What is the most important part of your life? Melissa: Being with friends and family. Making everything as much fun as possible. Having my rocky mountains turn blue. Megan: Ultimately my family, but I wouldn’t make it without whiskey and coors light.

What would you rather be doing? Melissa: Hmm. A few things, I suppose. But I'm pretty content lying here in bed. Megan: Having a beer and talking shit about bitches with my bestie.

What did you last cry over? Melissa: I don't cry. Crying is for bitches. Megan: I don’t cry. Haha.

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset? Melissa: Hm. Candy. Megan. The Disney Channel. Shots. Megan: Coors light and my best friend.

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other? Melissa: Hmm. Maybe I should start looking for specific qualities in significant others.... Megan: He’s gotta be pretty. And think I’m pretty too.

What are you worried about? Melissa: Passing my English midterm. Righttttt. Megan: I worry about silly things I can’t control. And money.

What did you have for breakfast? Melissa: Nothing; woke up late for class. AGAIN. Megan: It’s not breakfast if you don’t wake up til 1.

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend? Melissa: Yes, I think everyone has/will deal with that. Megan: That was the start of my very first college hookup, an entire post in itself.

Have you ever had your heartbroken? Melissa: I'd like to believe I'm heartless. At least while I'm in college haha. Megan: I have, and it changed me for the better.

Have you ever been out of the country? Melissa: Unfortunately no. Not yet. Megan: Nope, but I have plans.

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb? Melissa: Every single day of my life, damnit. And I love it. Megan: I’m a whiskey drinker, you’re damn right I have.

Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend? Melissa: If a bitch does that, they're not really my friend, are they? Megan: Every girl has.

Have you ever had sex on the beach? Melissa: No. Sand, crabs, tourists..... Megan: It’s on the to do list.

Have you ever dated someone younger than you? Melissa: I tend to stick with older. Megan: Yes ma’am I have.

Have you ever read an entire book in one day? Melissa: Haha yes. For a dumbass I'm sort of a nerd. Megs and I used to read the Baby-Sitter's Club books to each other when we were little. Hahaha Megan: Sure have.

Who was the last person you saw? Melissa: My roomie- Jess! Megan: The sonic carhop, who to my disappointment, was not on roller skates.

Who was the last person you texted? Melissa: Megan of course. Haha. Megan: A silly boy.

Who was the last person you hungout with? Melissa: Again, the roommate..we bought a fishtank. With a dinosaur decoration:) Megan: The kids at work.

Who was the last person to call you? Melissa: Megan. Megan: My lovely mother.

Who did you last hug? Melissa: We know him as “The Prairie.” haha Megan: The stalker boy from class.

Who is the last person who texted you? Melissa: Megannnnn Megan: A silly boy.

Who was the last person you said "i love you" to? Melissa: Um, megan.... wow she's my answer to half of these... haha Megan: My mom, or my bestie.

Where does your best friend live? Melissa: A whole hour awayyyyyyy Megan: Too far away.

Where did you last go? Melissa: To walmart. Megan: Sonic.

Where did you last hang out? Melissa: My apartment. Megan: Does school count? I've done nothing today!

Where do you go to school? Melissa: I go to college; at least til they kick me out. Megan: A college, in the south. Full of dumb boys and slutty girls.

Where is your favorite place to be? Melissa: That changes with my mood. Megan: Wherever the whiskey takes me.

Where did you sleep last night? Melissa: My bed...by myself... Megan: In my bed, alone, because I always remember my name:)

Do you like someone right now? Melissa: No not particularly. Megan: I'm pondering that really.

Do you think anyone likes you? Melissa: Everyone. Including your boyfriend. Megan: I'm thinking maybe a little.

Do you ever wish you were someone else? Melissa: I wish I were Jennifer Aniston. She's so pretty. And used to bangggg Brad Pitt:) yum! Megan: Nah, I like me.

Do you know the muffin man? Melissa: Who lives on Drury Lane? Megan: We used to hook up fall semester.

Does the future scare you? Melissa: I'm just surprised I made it this far. Megan: No, it excites me.

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)? Melissa: Well, me and Megan are freakishly alike. She's probably the only one who can put up with my crazy randomness. Megan: She knows me better than I know me sometimes. And puts up with my ridiculousness. And she's a good time. Always.

Why did your parents give you the name you have? Melissa: I guess they liked it. Hell idk. Megan: They thought it was pretty I suppose.

Why are you doing this survey? Melissa: So everyone can understand how fucked up we are; thus understand the ramblings of our blog posts:) Megan: To give you a peek at my soul. Haha. But you'll likely never get the random fuckedupness of me and my best friend.

If you could have one super power what would it be?? Melissa: Super-speed. I wanna be the Flash! Megan: The ability to give people random orgasms. Like when they’re being buzzkills, or you just want to make them feel awkward.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you? Melissa: I'd like to go back and interrupt certain people's conceptions... baha. Megan: I’d erase a couple experiences in a heartbeat.

If u were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring? Melissa: Ummm probably a cell phone so I could get off the island... yeah. Megan: My best friend. And she’d bring coors light. And we’d be happy forever.

Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you? Melissa: hmm....HELL no haha. Megan: Never ever ever.

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love? Melissa: In a heartbeat. Megan: This is an incredibly dumb question. If it would save them, of course I would.

Are you happy with your life right now? Melissa: Ridiculously so. I'm in love with my life:) Megan: I make mistakes, and have regrets. But I have a damn good time. I don’t feel the need to be serious about life just yet. I’m a happy girl for sure.

The Beginning of the End

When we started college, both of us were still with our high school boyfriends. Neither of us intended to ever sleep with anyone else. Ever. Like we were total dumbfucks and honestly believed that our HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIENDS were the loves of our lives. Yeah. We know.

Then we got single.

Shortly after becoming single, around October, we went to the bar for one of our legendary drunk nights. Seeing as how we were both shitfaced, and had no one to drive us home, Melissa asked this boy she had recently deemed attractive to drive us home. He obliged, and she handed him her keys.

On the ride back to Megan's apartment, it came to our attention there was a slight problem. There I was, holding the moderately attractive boy's hand- let's call him Patrick- while Melissa sat in the passenger seat with no boy's hand to hold drunkenly. After announcing that she needed a boy to fuck, Patrick announced that there was a boy driving his truck behind us who was definitely dtf. We just so happened to be stopped at a redlight during this conversation, and so my best friend Megan did the classiest thing I have ever witnessed: she got out of my car, in all her barefoot drunken glory, and ran, RAN i tell you, down the bridge to this boy's truck. Keep in mind she had never seen this boy before, nor him her. All she had was Patrick's recommendation and a handful of whiskey drinks in her.

Upon getting into the truck with Derek, I quickly announced who I was and that Patrick had sent me-and I wasn't one to cock block Melissa. That was a good enough explanation for him coming from the drunken goddess climbing in to the cab of the truck with him. And down the road we went. I then received a text from the boy- Tyler- I was currently pursuing and had hooked up with the previous weekend. I replied to his text with the very important question "who's Derek?" I felt this question held a lot of importance, seeing as how I was currently driving down the road with him. The reply? "A pledge. I want you." All my thoughts of Derek being dtf were out the window. Thank God he wasn't a rapist or serial killer, because Tyler wanted to fuck me, and, well, the feeling was mutual.

After arriving at Megan's apartment, It became apparent that poor Derek was not getting any. It was apparent because Megan kept announcing she had to drive to the frat house Tyler lived at. Patrick, being the responsible boy that he was, took her keys because she was definitely too drunk to drive. Patrick took Derek home, seeing as how his services were no longer needed, then Tyler and his friend Bradley came over. Bradley, I hated. Almost immediately. Well, as soon as he started talking anyways. There was Megan and Tyler, all cuddled up, while I was waiting on Patrick. And Bradley wouldn't go the fuck away. Just a btw- asking a girl to 'wrestle' will not make her go into bed with you. Especially when she's already got a boy on his way.

Tyler and I decided to go to my room, and proceeded to have particularly loud sex according to Bradley...and Patrick...and Melissa. Anywho, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. And then for some reason he and Bradley stayed to watch a movie which I found completely unnecessary. We discussed their funniest sexual experiences, and then they finally left.

After Tyler and Megs went back to organize her closet or read the Bible or whatever the hell they were doing, I was stuck with Bradley AND Patrick. Now for some reason Patrick wanted to sit in the living room and hang out, which was absolutely pointless. So, after going to the bathroom, I went straight to the spare bedroom. And waited. And waited. After Bradley went to the bathroom and it was apparent I was no longer in the bathroom, Patrick came to join me. Leaving poor, annoying Bradley to watch tv in the living room by himself. However, two minutes later I longed to be watching Van Wilder with my bestie, Tyler and Bradley. Why, you ask? Well because approximately two minutes upon Patrick entering the room, he had managed to get us naked, fuck, and lay down beside me. Yes, my first fuck after my long-term boyfriend gave me the dreaded, terrible two minute sex. What a joke.

All in all, that's the thing about hookups. Megan obviously made the better choice between Derek and Tyler, she had loud enough sex to wake the neighborhood.
However maybe I should have stuck with Bradley, despite his obvious personality flaws. He couldn't have been any worse, anyways. It's just chance you have to take.

This is just the first of many nights of hookups, some good, some bad. We'd like to blame our sleeping around on the fact that our ex's are possibly the biggest dumbfucks you'll ever meet.




*All the names of the boys have been changed. This is partially due to the fact that they are huge whores so you may have slept with them, but mostly due to the fact that they are ridiculously full of themselves and probably Google their names on a daily basis to see what comes up.

Booty Call Protocol:)

Since starting college, Melissa and I have learned quite a bit about “booty calls.” Of course neither of us intended to make the booty call a regular part of our lives, but we like to live by the philosophy, “if it’s in college, it doesn’t count.” Sometimes the boy you bring home from the bar is good at what he does, and therefore, worth going back for more. But there are rules to the casual sex game, and these rules are not to be broken unless copious amounts of whiskey are involved.

1. Sex isn’t love, and neither is your booty call. If you like him, don’t go. Chances are, if the only time you see him in daylight hours is when you’re putting your clothes back on to catch your 8 a.m. class, he isn’t interested in anything more than sex.

2. No cuddling. If you’re not too drunk to drive home, go.

3. Booty calls are flakey, and undependable. So by all means, be flakey and undependable. Don’t pass up a boy who looks like he might be a good time just because you’ve got a sure thing in booty call. He’d do the same to you.

4. Don’t fake it. If the sex isn’t good, don’t tell him it is. That shit’s for relationships. Also, consider finding another booty call.

5. Keep in mind that with the exception of an ongoing sex buddy, the boy you're going home with is a STRANGER. above all, let someone know. Don't flaunt your business, but let a friend know where you'll be.

6. In addition to rule 5, the fact that you are sleeping with a stranger means that you need to be safe. No condom, no sex. Pulling out won't stop you from getting herpes. Plus, can you really rely on a drunk stranger to pull out? Doubtful.

7. Don't call. Don't text. Unless it's to meet up. There's really nothing for the two of you to talk about, is there?

8. No emotional talking. Do you like me? Is this going anywhere? Could this be more than a hookup? The answers are no, no, and no. it's sex, that's it. If it becomes more than that to you, go back up to rule #1 please:)

All these rules should make for a great booty call, at least on your part. The downside of a stranger is that you never know how they're going to act. But that's another blog waiting to happen.

“To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” – Homer Simpson